How to trim a cat's nails

My cat's nails seem to grow like gangbusters and I'm at my wits end. I'm tired of the constant clawing that accompanies any cuddle, leaving red welches on my exposed skin as his nails retract and extend, over and over again, purrs emenating from his happy body. He's oblivious to the fact that I'm in pain and aside from the odd dirty look when I extract him from my stomach or arm he seems to have temporary amnesia and will return to repeat the torture five minutes later. So why not take him to the vet to have his nails clipped you might ask? Well as with the majority of felines mine hates, actually more like detests, going into his crate so the simple act of even preparing him to leave the safe haven of our haven is deterent enough for me. That said I have decided to embark on an ardurous task - cutting his nails myself. In doing this I've done my homework into how exactly the best way to go about trimming a cat's nails is.

Thanks to my friends at the appropriately named CatScratching.com for the below advice. Please note I kid in jest. These are all great suggestions. I'm just handling my impending doom with humour which is the only way I know how.

• Reward your cat with a nail cutting only treat. I think I can handle this.
• The best time to trim your cat's nails is when they are relaxed or sleepy. Ummm....okay...not sure I'd want someone to wake me up via an unwelcome pedicure.
• Your cat should be resting comfortably on your lap, the floor or a table. I'm opting for table. My lap has suffered enough as is.
• Hold a paw in one hand and press the cat's toe pad gently to extend the nail, paying attention to the pink tissue or quick on the inside of the nail.
• Always avoid the quick when you trim the nail.
• Remove the sharp tip of the nail (aka the ouch factor!) below the quick or halfway between the end of the quick and the end of the nail.
• Give your cat a break from time to time. If you can't clip all the nails in one sitting it's okay.
• Leave the trimming of the back nails to a professional if needed. Most cats do a pretty good job of trimming their back nails all by themselves. I beg to differ when it comes to my cat but I digress....
• Hold the clippers in a vertical position to avoid splitting or fraying.
• Invest in a quality pair of pet nail clippers. A pair of sharp regular clippers will suffice in a hurry.